Division 3 Champions!

Here you go then, though i wonder how many people i might upset........ Russell 'Wordsworth' Penticost brought the house down at the end of season do with his touching imagery and subtle use of metaphor. And here is the full poem, uncensored and with original spelling. All complaints to Mr K Dalmon at the football club please..... see you in August!

Have You Ever Been Ducked By A Swan?

WITH SMITHY IN GOAL BUILT LIKE A TANK
OFTEN BEEN CAUGHT…PULLING OFF A PRANK
HIS CATCHING IS GREAT…..REALLY SOFT HANDS
WHICH HE TRAINS BY…CARRESSING MAMORY GLANDS

THE BACK LINE WE’VE NAMED THE FEATHERLITES
CAUSE WHATEVER THEIR SHAPE THE FIT NICE AND TIGHT
THEY CAN OFTEN PLAY IN A 3 OR A 4
CAN’T GET BEHIND THEM THEY CLOSE THE BACK DOOR

ROSS HAS BEEN GREAT …WHEN HE CAN PLAY
BUT WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND HIM…. WHAT DID HE SAY
HE’S VERY QUICK…JUST OUSES CLASS
GETS IN CLOSE AND LIKES FEELING ARSE.

SIMMO A FIT FIREMAN GOES DOWN ON A POLE
AND IS REALLY GREAT AT PLUGING A HOLE
HE’S ONE OF THE REASONS THE SWANS HAVE ROSE
BUT WISH HE WOULDN’T KEEP HOLDING HIS HOSE

LONGY LAST SEASON WAS OUT MOST OF THE YEAR
SPENT ALL HIS TIME SAT ON HIS REAR
LIKES TO BELT IT ON THE FULL MEAT
WONDER HOW HE MANAGES TO KEEP A CLEAN SHEET

PALMS PLAYS FORWARDS JUST LIKE A FIDDLE
HANDLES EVERYTHING RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE
HIS RIGID TACKLE HAS OFTEN BEEN FELT
HARDER TO UNLOCK THAN A CHASTITY BELT

HE PLAYS AT LEFT BACK…. TUCKS IS HIS NAME
HE’S A 100 % COMMITTED AND TERRIBLY GAME
LIKES TO GET STUCK IN AN PUT IT ABOUT
WHEN HE’S ON TOP HE’LL NEVER PULL OUT



THE BOYS IN THE CENTRE, INDUSTRIOUS GET UP & BACK
SPEND LOTS OF EFFORT SEARCHING FOR A CRACK
TOUGH , HARD WORKING, THEY ALSO HAVE FLAIR
SEEN TO PACK CLOSER THAN SOME PUBIC HAIR

COCKY IS PRETTY KEEPS OUT OF THE MUD
HE FANCIES HIMSELF AS ABIT OF A STUD
SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME PLAYING OUT WIDE
BUT LIKES DRIBBLING AND SLIPPING INSIDE

PRICEY STRIKES A BALL WITH GREAT POWER
BUT SPENDS MOST OF THE TIME TAKING A SHOWER
A UTILITY PLAYER A TALENTED BLOKE
GETS VERY FRUSTRATED WHEN HE DON’T GET A POKE


STEVE THE NEW DAD AND OUR RESIDENT DJ
LIKES NOTHING BETTER THAN HAVING TO PLAY
HAS PLENTY OF ENERGY,…..BAGS TOO BURN
EMMA HAS SAID…….. HE DOES A GOOD TURN

KRISTIAN CAME IN LATE…. A VERY GOOD CALL
AND SPECTATORS GET EXCITED WHEN HE’S STROKING THE BALL
RUBBED HURSTPIERPOINT UP AND MADE THEM QUITE SORE
NO WONDER HE’S BEEN A WINNING SWAN ONCE BEFORE

WILBS LIKES KEEPING HIS OPPOSITION SHACKLED
AND THEY GET EMBARRESED AT HIS FIRMNESS OF TACKLE
SHORT IS BEST …IS HIS GREAT STRENGTH
RARELY SEEN HIM USING THE LENGHTH

REILY SELDOM CAN EVER GIVE MORE
ALWAYS WONDERING IF HE WILL SCORE
RUSHES ARROUND PICKING UP LUMPS
TOP PERFORMER WHEN IT COMES TO DUMPS

ROB TURNED OUT TO BE ONE HELL OF A SKIP
LIKES WEARING THIGH BOOTS AND CRAKING A WHIP
WHEN HE GOES IN IT’S A HELL OF A THUMP
VERY DOMINANT WHEN HE GOES FOR A JUMP


THE BOYS UP FRONT SO EASY TO SELECT
ALL VERY BIG WHEN THEY ARE ERECT
THE GIRLS SCREAM “CAN THEY PERFORM BETTER?”
OF COURSE THEY CAN BUT WHEN IT GETS WETTER

SHELFS… HAS BEEN A PATIENT CHAP
SCORED A GOAL AT UCKFIELD… SO WE GAVE HIM THE CLAP
SO GLAD TO SEE HIM AT THIS BASH
HOPE THE OINTMENT CLEARED UP THE RASH

DAN INSTUMENTAL WE CALL HIM THE GRIFF
GOES DOWN IN THE BOX…… SEEKING A SNIFF
HAS BECOME AGREAT FIXTURE AT THIS GREAT CLUB
LIKES PASKEY BEFORE GAMES….…. TO GIVE HIM A RUB

RICO HAS BEEN FIREING ON FULL THROB
EVEN CAN SCORE BY USING A LOB
MAKES DEFENDERS LOOK STUPID AND HAVE TO HUSTLE
BUT CONSTANTLY SEEMS TO BE PULLING HIS MUSCLE

THE COMMITTEE A TEAM FULL OF MATES
MEET ONCE A MONTH … FOR A MASS DEBATE
ROSS AT TIMES BECOMES QUITE BAFFELED
WHEN THE TIGHT BUGGERS WON’T PAY FOR THE RAFFLE

DEREK WORKS HARD NEVER SHOWING FATIGUE
GIVES US A PITCH THAT’S THE BEST IN THE LEAGUE
MALCOM ASKS ….. DOES HE KNOW WHAT TO DO
JUST GET RID OF THIS BLOODY 3 5 2

BEHIND THE BAR WE HAVE PHIL AND CHRIS
WHO STAY VERY LATE UNTIL WE GET PISSED?
TREV IN THE CHANGING ROOM CALLS PLAYERS WIMPS
BECAUSE WHAT HE CARRIES, NO WONDER HE LIMPS

GILLIAN PREPARES FOOD AND FILLS MUGS
HAS ANYONE SEEN HER CARRYING THOSE JUGS
OUR ARDENT SUPPORTERS INHALE WITH A WHOOSH
AND ARE GOOD AT FINDING BALLS IN THE BUSH

KEITH, OUR SECRETARY CLEANS UP THE MUCK
GETS VERY FRUSTRATED WHEN HENRY WON’T SUCK

SO NOW WE HAVE ALL EARNT A BIT OF A REST
CAUSE EVERYONE HERE HAS PROVED THEY’RE THE BEST
SO LETS GET READY BRING DIV 2 ON
AND PERHAPS LOTS OF THEM WILL GET DUCKED BY THE SWANS

The Bard Penticost

Storrington FC - League Champs!

Standing(from left) : Trevor Paske, Ben Shelford, Ross McClorry, Paul Smith, Neil Richardson, Dan Griffin, Adam Palmer, Andy Long, Paul Mant, Steve Tasker, Russell Penticost

Kneeling : Alan Tucker, Andrew Wilby, Phil Awcock, Rob Norris, Jon Simpson, Kristian Bridle, Ashley Dorrington, Simon Price, Mr Offspec

10 Steps To Heaven

A look back over the season to see where the title was won…

21st August - First match of the season against Bexhill and Dan Griffin sets the standard for the rest of the campaign by thumping in the opener from 20 yards in the first minute. Neil Richardson and Andy Long add late goals as Swans win 3-0.

23rd October - Swans hit the front in the title chase. Simon Price volleys a belter and supplies the other for Griff as previous leaders Forest are seen off 2-1 at the Rec.

4th December - Xmas party night, and Andrew Wilby begins the fun by scoring his first and only Swans goal to date to secure three vital points in a bruising encounter at Ifield. Griff scored the first as Swans won 2-0 to complete a double.

18th December - Rob Norris and Steve Tasker lay the VW Cup ghost at Rustington with first half goals. The hosts come back for a 2-2 draw, but Swans end 2004 unbeaten in the league

15th January - Paul Smith single-handedly keeps Haywards Heath at bay for the first 45 minutes to prevent what would have been a disastrous defeat. The lads take inspiration from him and raise their game in the second half, Rico, Griff and Pricey on the mark in a 3-0 victory.

22nd January - Swans put the final nail in another clubs promotion hopes as Bosham are thumped 6-2 at the Rec. Rico bags 4 as we produce our very own brand of blitzkreig football, all six goals arriving in a storming half-hour.

19th February - Perhaps the defining day of the campaign as we travel to Bexhill to take on the leaders. The Swans passion and hunger is white hot and Bexhill wilt and are dispatched 4-1 by Awcock, Price, Griff and Rico. The party goes with a swing as Norris belts out a premature yet prophetic karaoke of Queen’s ‘We Are The Champions’.

26th March - The only hint of a wobble the previous week at Forest is quickly dispelled as depleted Swans outplay Hurstpierpoint. But we had to wait until ten minutes from time before Kris Bridle notches the only goal.

28th March - More casualties leave the squad threadbare, yet Swans still produce a worthy show to win 1-0 at Wadhurst. Palmer, Tucker and Simpson shine again at the back, Tasker pops in the winner.

2nd April - Tasker, an own goal and Ben Shelford set up the finale, then skipper Norris slides in to score the 4th and final goal at Uckfield and the title is won. Division 2 here we come!

Norris receives the trophy!

Vote & Tote

The recent Grand National is all history now, and the next big date on the Punters calendar is the Offspec Swans Players Player Stakes 2005. A wide open race this year, and a shady looking character looking a bit like wurzel gummidge is offering the following form guide:

SKIPPING GINGER (blue silks)- Last year's winner has been leading all season, indomitable spirit and likes the soft ground. 13-2 fav

TUCKERS LUCK (blue)- Anti-post outsider who has shown consistent form. loves to surge through the back of front-runners. 8-1

STRIKE IT RICH (blue)- Likes to be among the front-runners. Regular winner over the winter, but may not quite stay the full trip. 8-1

CHEEKY LAD (blue)- Towers above the rest at the back of the field. Needs to take lots of liquid on board. 10-1

AMBLING LURCH (blue)- Top-weight. Prefers the heavy going, but further leg injury may result in his having to be put down. 10-1

SERGEANT SIMMO (blue)- Gutsy campaigner who produces the goods with the odds against him. At the forefront of training regimes. 12-1

THE SMUDGER (green)- Always in the running, spends the whole race with all the others ahead of him. Needs blinkers to maintain concentration. 12-1

LONG RUN FOR HOME (blue)- Only grey in the race. Calm over the jumps, effectively rounding up loose opposition horses. 12-1

QUE SERA, SERA (blue) - Consistent performer making debut in the big race. Only success earlier in the season was very popular. Each way value. 14-1

POPPYCOCK (blue)- Looks good in the paddock, but sometimes erratic on the course. Has a fine filly as a stablemate. 16-1

KARAOKE KING (blue)- At 14 hands the smallest horse in the race, but a game stayer on the outside. Rumoured to be his last run in the race. 20-1

THEONEANDONLY (blue) - Jockey finds him difficult to control, but plenty of ability. Occasionally takes the wrong course. 20-1

HAIRY HAGGIS (blue) - Often a non-runner, but not lacking in class. Doesn't really like to go flat out. 25-1

THE SHELFSTACKER (blue)- Late entry into the field and the only Mare in the race. Possible for the best turned out horse? 50-1

BALD MANIAC (blue)- Unlikely to complete the circuit. Upsets the other horses by interfering with their tack. 100-1

ASHLEY HOUSE (blue) - First Shetland pony ever to take part in the big event. 200-1

How come this nonsense hasn't mentioned anybody called Bridle?

The Championship Alphabet

A is for Adam (Palmer I mean), but still the 'first man' in defence,
B is for Bexhill, rivals until the Swans beat them, a victory immense,
C is for Cocky, the dizzy left-winger, a wizard with ball at his feet,
D is for Dozen, the run of twelve matches through winter without a defeat,
E is for Elegance, balance and skill - it could only be Simon Price,
F is for Forest, who finally beat us 1-0 (but we beat them twice!).
G is for Griff, towering striker who entered the veteran phase,
H is for Header, because he no longer scores in any different ways.
I is for Ifield, forever 'Wilby's Match' - did anyone pick up the three points?
J is for Jon, Simmo the Brave, who fights on though he has no knee joints.
K is for Kick-Off, way back in August, when we took only seconds to score,
L is for Longy, so calm at the back that we don't let in goals any more.
M is for Malcolm, the chairman who said "This is the best Swans side of all!"
N is for Norris, skipper supreme, who never got beat to the ball,
O is for O, the score that opponents wound up with on thirteen occasions,
P is for Penticost and also for Paske, bosses of unusual persuasions,
Q is for Quaking, which all of Div 2 must be doing right now in their boots,
R is for Rico, goalscoring hero, there's but one result when he shoots.
S is for Smudge, guardian of the most unused goalnet in the county,
T is for Tucks, back from hols with a tan like the girl on the advert for Bounty.
U is for Uckfield, the venue on that fateful day when the title was won,
V is for Victory, at 4.45 when the celebration had begun,
W is for Winger, Tasker by name, who did the biz on field and off!
X is for X-rated, the post-Bexhill party when Reilly could not get enough.
Y is for Yes!, the shout from the team that triumphantly lifted the cup,
and Z is the shape of the Swan on the badge of the club that is now going UP.

Goal of the Season

Well, the usual rules apply. All you have to do is pick the 1-2-3 to match the views of our expert panel. No premium bonds are up for grabs but there is a special prize. Yes indeed, one lucky lucky duck will win Alan Tucker for a day.

Actually, i wonder if there is a clever way we can do an on-line vote and see who really wins? Over to you Rob....

GOAL A - DAN GRIFFIN v BEXHILL 21st August
Simon Price floated a pass down the right-hand channel, where GRIFF cut back inside a defender and unleashed a fierce left-footer from 20yards just inside the near post.

GOAL B - SIMON PRICE v FOREST 23rd October
Phil Awcock drilled the ball in from the left to Tasker who had appeared on the edge of the area. Steve in turn flicked pass to PRICEY, who whacked a first time volley into the top corner from 18 yards.

GOAL C - ANDREW WILBY v IFIELD 4th December
Awcock again initiated the move by finding Rico 20 yards out. The striker spun past two defenders before putting it on a plate for WILBS, who stroked it into the corner from 10 yards.

GOAL D - NEIL RICHARDSON v CROWBOROUGH 8th January
Latching on to a defensive header midway inside the 'borough half, RICO surged past a defender and thrashed in a low drive from outside the box. The keeper didn't even move as it flew into the bottom right-hand corner.

GOAL E - NEIL RICHARDSON v BOSHAM 22nd January
A super move down the right involving Norris, Tasker and Reilly ended with the latter curling in a sweet near-post cross. The onrushing RICO met it with a first-time left foot volley from 6 yards, the first of his 4 goals that day.

GOAL F - BEN SHELFORD v UCKFIELD 2nd April
When Griff turned inside and bent a super through-ball into his path, SHELF confidently half-volleyed home from the edge of the box and the champagne corks were popping.

The Whole Story - Game by Game

KEY: VW - Vernon Wentworth cup; SX - Sussex Intermediate cup; L - League cup

21/08/04 League Storrington 3 - 0 Bexhill (Griffin, Richardson, Long)
28/08/04 League Storrington 3 - 0 Uckfield (Richardson, Hall, Awcock)
04/09/04 League Storrington 4 - 0 Ifield (Richardson 2, Tasker, Price)
11/09/04 League Hurstpierpoint 2 - 2 Storrington (Reilly, Richardson)
18/09/04 League Upper Beeding 0 - 3 Storrington 3 (Griffin 3)
25/09/04 VW1 Storrington 4 - 3 Portslade Ath (Naylor, Tasker 2, OG)
02/10/04 LC1 Newhaven 2 - 0 Storrington
09/10/04 SX1 Ringmer Res 1 - 6 Storrington (Price, Griffin 2, Richardson 2, Tasker)
16/10/04 League Storrington 3 - 3 Lingfield (Griffin, Norris, Richardson)
23/10/04 League Storrington 2 - 1 Forest (Price, Griffin)
30/10/04 League Storrington 4 - 0 Newhaven (Griffin, Norris 2, Tasker)
06/11/04 VW2 Storrington 5 - 1 Tabernacle (Griffin 2, Norris, Richardson, OG)
13/11/04 SX2 Storrington v American Express (Amex forfeit match)
20/11/04 VW3 Rustington 4 - 1 Storrington (Richardson)
27/11/04 SX3 Three Bridges Res 2 - 3 Storrington (Awcock, Richardson 2)
04/12/04 League Ifield Edwards 0 - 2 Storrington (Griffin, WILBY!!)
11/12/04 League Bosham 1 - 1 Storrington (Richardson pen)
18/12/04 League Rustington 2 - 2 Storrington (Norris, Tasker)
08/01/05 SX4 Storrington 7 - 0 Crowborough reserves (Richardson 3, Awcock, Reilly, Griffin, Tasker)
15/01/05 League Haywards Heath 0 - 3 Storrington (Richardson, Griffin, Price)
22/01/05 League Storrington 6 - 2 Bosham (Tasker, Richardson 4, Griffin)
29/01/05 League Newhaven 1 - 3 Storrington (Long, Griffin, Richardson)
05/02/05 SXQ/F Storrington 2 - 0 Forest (Griffin, OG)
12/02/05 League Lingfield p-p Storrington (rescheduled 9th April)
19/02/05 League Bexhill 1-4 Storrington (Awcock, Price, Griffin, Richardson)
26/02/05 League Wadhurst p-p Storrington
05/03/05 League Storrington 3 - 1 Haywards Heath (Norris, Richardson pen, Griffin)
09/03/05 SXS/F Storrington 3 - 4 Bosham aet (Griffin, OG, K Bridle)
12/03/05 League Storrington 2 - 0 Upper Beeding (Richardson, Price)
19/03/05 League Forest 1 - 0 Storrington
26/03/05 League Storrington 1 - 0 Hurspierpoint (K Bridle)
28/03/05 League Wadhurst 0 - 1 Storrington (Tasker)
02/04/05 League Uckfield 1 - 4 Storrington (Tasker, OG, Shelford, Norris)
09/04/05 League Storrington 0 - 3 Wadhurst
13/04/05 League Storrington 0 - 0 Rustington
16/04/05 League Lingfield 2 - 2 Storrington (Griffin 2)

1st Team Appearances 2004/05

Max. 33 appearances

Rob Norris.............32
Steve Tasker.........31 + 1 as sub
Neil Richardson.......31 + 1
Paul Smith.............31
Phil Awcock...........29 + 1
Simon Price...........27 + 4
Dan Griffin.............27 + 1
Jon Simpson...........27 + 1
Andy Long.............26 + 3
Alan Tucker...........23 + 4
Adam Palmer..........22 + 3
Ben Reilly..............18 + 2
Ross McClorry.........14 + 8
Andrew Wilby..........9 + 16
Kristian Bridle...........5 + 5
Ben Shelford............4 + 8
Gary Hall.................3 + 2
Paul Mant................2
Ashley Dorrington......1 + 4
James Naylor...........1 + 2
Chris Johnson...........0 + 3
Matt Bridle..............0 + 2
Rob Gardner.............0 + 2
Tony Fraser.............0 + 2
Chris Watten...........0 + 2
Steve McClorry........0 + 2
Richard Hack............0 + 1
David Cook..............0 + 1
Mark Ross...............0 + 1
Mark Micklethwaite...0 + 1

1st Team Goals 2004/05

Neil Richardson......... 25
Dan Griffin............... 22
Steve Tasker............ 11
Rob Norris................ 7
Simon Price.............. 6
Phil Awcock.............. 4
Ben Reilly................. 2
Andy Long................ 2
Kristain Bridle.............2
Gary Hall.................. 1
James Naylor............ 1
Andrw Wilby..............1
Ben Shelford..............1
Own Goal................. 4